i hate music


All my music life i have people say to me things like - 'oh, you must love music' or 'it must be wonderful to do something that you really love' - and I have always bristled at it.

I don't 'love' music. If I was being totally honest, for most of the time I hate it.

I don't listen to music for enjoyment, and if you speak to musicians there are many who don't listen to music for enjoyment. I can't stand listening to classical music.

In ACT terms, I am 'fused'. I have spent too many years doing it in stressful situations. Well, at least that is how it seemed to me. I have glued together the sounds of classical music playing with anxiety, judgement, criticism, perfectionism, failure and disappointment. This is not my fault that it happened that way, but I now consciously have tried to separate my difficult experiences apart from the the sound of an orchestra playing anything from Handel to Schöneberg and everything in between. 

I can say that I love Frank Sinatra. Or Freddy Mercury or Barbra Streisand. I can listen to that if I have to, but I do not choose to. 

I prefer silence quite frankly.

But I do care about music. 

I was just practicing for the next bit of orchestral work I have and wondering, why I am doing this if I 'hate' music so defiantly?  Why do I even bother to practice it if I 'hate' it so much?

My mind replied 'because you care about it'.

I care whether I have a good sound, or whether it is in tune. I care whether I split notes or that I don't have enough endurance to get through the piece. 

I don't love it, but I care. Weird to put it to down in writing, but there it is.


Deborah HartComment