second album syndrome
So a few days ago I finally put it out there. My first blog post. A brave and triumphant success. Next problem - how to follow up such brilliance? Little did I know that Second Album Syndrome would happen to me.
Blogging is hard. I have so many things that I want to share with musicians but I am finding it crippling to write this second post. I have started this post about twenty times now and have deleted it all after a few paragraphs.
This one will be posted in all its fumbling imperfection. I am willing to learn to tolerate the anxiety of imperfection because I care about ACT for music. This is what is called a VALUE in ACT terms. This is one of many things that gives my life meaning.
The difficulty is that when I begin to walk in the direction of what I care about, fear in its many guises show up. I feel vulnerable and am afraid of baring myself to you. My mind gives me visions of groups of musicians sitting in rehearsals looking at their phones, all laughing about the ridiculous stuff I write.
But here I am anyway. Letter by letter, putting it out there. Sitting in the discomfort. Tolerating these distressing imaginations.
One of my favourite sayings is ‘values and vulnerability are poured from the same vessel’. When we head in the direction of what we care about, our mind gives us our most terrifying thoughts. I deeply and consistently care about being an ACT counsellor for musicians, and about developing the most effective and efficient model of ACT to improve musical performance, and so I really care about my public profile. With that in mind, I write this blog as content for my website, to build a profile so that I can promote myself, so I can share this with more people. I am doing this audition to provide content for my blog. I am practicing to provide content for the blog.
That is not to say there are not other reasons for me to take these actions. There is a part of me that wants this job and is excited at the possibilities this job would open up.
There is another part of me that knows how difficult actually doing that job would be. And don’t forget that ‘I am too old’!
And yet there is another part of me that thinks the whole thing is a waste of time, effort and money.
And as watch these thoughts swirl around and around my head onto the screen, I do not know if I am doing the right thing.
But I am willing to give it a try and see where these actions takes me.