put down the rope
My anxiety monster has been hard at work today. Just like the passengers on my bus, the monster tells me all the things I am doing wrong. I try to work hard so that it will leave me alone, but it only pulls me in harder. I am trying to get everything done for tomorrow, trying to do it so that everyone will like me and approve of me. So that I will be the 'good counsellor' and the 'good student' and the 'good horn player', because I am never enough.
The monster is very strong and scary and the monster loves a game of tug-o-war. The monster thrives on it, it energised by the tussle. It makes the monster stronger. Gives it life.
But I like a fight too. I fight, therefore I am! I give it all of my attention too, which could otherwise be spent more productively. It hijacks my mood and my behaviour. I want to get rid of it and I try to rationalise with the monster, even though monsters are not rational creatures.
So I pick up the rope and give it everything I have, draining my energy. It is trying to drag me into the bottomless pit. The harder I pull, the stronger the monster becomes. I cannot win this.
But having committed to writing this blog, and having to think clearly about what is going on here for me today has reminded my that I can just DROP THE ROPE and head back into the direction I was heading when I decided to do this.
It is a huge relief. For now.