I nearly pulled the plug today. Stop the blog, pull out of the audition, run back and hide in a hole. I have been so sick and fragile. I have lost my resilience. I can't see how there is any point to all this. I woke up saying to The Husband over and over again, 'I am so stupid for doing this'.
I have rallied after some encouragement from The Husband and The Daughters, as well as a beautiful, supportive horn bestie and the cold is subsiding. The shivers and shakes are decreasing. I have done some 'mindful' concentrated practice and I am feeling less hopeless.
I said at the beginning that this audition was not about getting the job, or winning and audition, or being super horn Debbie, but about this very process that I am engaged in right now, writing to you. Shining a light on the path, illuminating the process. Demonstrating how ACT works, day by day, struggle by struggle.
The Passengers are saying 'what is the point of doing this if you are not going to get the job?', 'you will never be able to play all of these excerpts and even if you get the chops to play them all, you are a shit musician and you cannot keep a pulse'.
It is not easy, and it does not feel good.
But I made a commitment.