There is a voice constantly screaming at me. It is screaming 'get out of this stupid audition. You are not up to this. You are not going to get the job and you are wasting your time'.
There is another nagging voice. 'Not enough, not good enough, could be better.'
I was kindly reminded by a colleague this afternoon that my original goal in doing this audition was to write this blog. Not to win the audition.
But my head is still screaming at me 'GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS AUDITION'.
In ACT terms this is might be called 'struggling with my passengers'. Passengers are these uncomfortable, anxious, perfectionistic feelings.
If I did actually pull out, it could be termed 'being hijacked by my passengers'.
It could also be called 'unwillingness to experience discomfort'.
Am I really unwilling? Am I actually running away? I continue to practice, I will book a plane ticket, I will continue to video myself and play with a metronome. Maybe not the way I would ideally think will get the music polished as I would like, but I keep on moving in that direction.
I am willing. Still.
image from - https://au.pinterest.com/jenayziedayz/black-white/