not a fairytale ending

I am not the princess that overcomes my fears to slay the anxiety dragon and win the hearts and minds of the audition panel royalty. And I am ninety nine percent sure that I am not going to play in the audition. 

ACT does not guarantee a Disney movie of me totally nailing the audition, powerfully knocking down everyone and everything in my wake. 

ACT does not bestow magical powers to overcome all obstacles and win against all odds.

My passengers all tell me that you will think I am a failure, and that I have let you all down. ‘You are a total fraud’ they scream. My passengers tell me that I should feel guilty and ashamed. They say that I have led you astray and wasted your time. ‘I thought the whole point of this was that you committed to doing the audition?’

When I started this blog, I did fully intended to do turn up and play, but at the same time I knew myself well enough that it I was not prepared, it would be ok if I didn’t go. I committed to that goal, perhaps urged on by a passenger whispering ‘oooh, you could even win this, and they will offer you the job. That’ll prove to everyone how amazing you are.’

When I began this, my diary was empty, and the following eight weeks lay open like a field of blissful dream -  hours upon hours of mindful practice and insightful blog writing. I had just set up my website and this blog would be content for my website, it created a meaningful purpose.

But alas, life is messy. 

ACT is about helping you to achieve valued goals, that is true. But more importantly however, ACT is about values. The valued goal for me, within the audition was not so much about turning up and playing on the day, but about the preparation and all the experiences that go along with it, and shining a light on that process by writing the blog.

In an ideal world, I would have prepared the excerpts to a point where I felt they were ready to present. I would have made sure I could play them all, then I would have practiced performing them in front of others.

Unfortunately I did not have nearly enough hours in the day to practice and I got to a point where turning up and playing would have a waste of time and money (I had to fly to another city to attend the audition.)  There is no value in resentfully flying, waiting and playing just to follow through for the sake of a commitment. I could almost guarantee you that I would have not have been consistent with my values.

My overarching value is to share ACT with musicians - to see if it works for others the way it works for me. I have lived that value in every keystroke, in every hour of mindful (and sometimes panicked) practice. I live that goal by spending hours and hours of time preparing for my workshop next week, as that has become a more valued priority for the waking hours until then. 

See you at the next blog.

And as my old boss used to say - ONWARDS!

Deborah HartComment