25 shades of grey
Black and white thinking is my speciality. All or nothing.
If I am not the best, I am shit. If it is not perfect I shouldn't bother. If I can't play all of these excerpts perfectly, all the way, with a beautiful sound, blah blah blah, I should just crawl up into a ball and die.
I noticed this while I was practicing and videoing myself, thinking how awful it sounded while I was recording, and then I looked back at the videos, of course it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. Switch back to thinking I am indestructible.
This is all very unpleasant. I don't like it. I am looking for any excuse to get out of the audition. Maybe I am even over-practising so that I will wreck my chops so I can't play. I can't believe I am still doing this.
I am putting the bloody think away for the night. I am going to have some ice cream and go to bed early.
And tomorrow I will continue to swing between the black and white, hopefully spend more time in the grey.