perfectionism is mean
Being a 'perfectionist' is not fun. Being a perfectionist means being mean and nasty to yourself and even to those around you, whipping them with your unrealistic standards.
Some people seem to wear perfectionism like a badge of honour. They are proud of how perfect they like things to be, as if that makes them better, happier, superior-er.
I think I use it myself in that way - 'If I become perfect I will get more attention, my parents will love me, I will get more work, I will rise to the top of the shit pile and I will be able to look down upon all the other lesser people from a great height and I will finally feel like my life is worth something'.
Maybe it's not about feeling superior. Maybe someone can explain it to me how it is not about that.
I have heard people say 'I can't help that I have higher standards than everyone else'.
I suppose in a way, I also just can't help having these type of thoughts. I thought that if I became more mindful and forgiving of myself and kinder, I thought they would dissipate.
But, maybe it would be more helpful to surrender to 'perfectionism'. Sounds defeatist?
After last night's performance and revelation, maybe I don't choose these perfectionistic thoughts either, but I do feel defeated by them. I am now putting down the fight with them. I feel like I can no longer help them bombarding me.
They win. I can't stop them.
But maybe by 'letting them win', or 'letting them stay on the bus when they turn up', just maybe I actually 'win' also.
Maybe I can get back to finding some joy in music and performance. I sort of feel like I have lost the fight. I feel helpless and deflated, but I have fought a good fight and I have lost. I cannot control those harsh judgemental thoughts.
Maybe instead I can turn around to them, look them in the eye, call them mean and nasty.
And with a sigh and a shrug turn back to the wide clear view out the windscreen. Dunno.