welcome on board

Tonight I will try a new strategy - deliberately welcoming and even expecting perfectionism and shame on board my bus. 

When I split a note, which my rational mind knows in inevitable, I will expect I will experience some sort of mental and physical activity. There will probably also be a rush of thoughts like 'everyone thinks I am shit', 'the conductor will never want me back' or even just 'that sounded appalling'. I will thank that Perfectionistic Passenger for her thoughts, and interrupt the spiral down. Maybe. It is pretty compulsive and automatic, but I will remain mindful and remember that following those thoughts down the spiral are not helpful.

Shame usually doesn't start really ramping up until the music stop. Shame is less a set of thoughts, more a wave of feeling. I experience it as sort of a droop. I sinking. A dirty feeling that is always in the background after perfectionism has had a good go at me.

I think last night my attention was all over gratitude and not on accuracy, so tonight I will turn my attention to accuracy. I do worry that my 'value' of accuracy is just perfectionism in pink fluffy disguise. (I have always questioned whether 'accuracy' is a just another big stick that perfectionism uses to beat me over the head with - 'YOU SAID YOU CARED ABOUT ACCURACY AND YOU SPLIT ALL THOSE NOTES it screams at me.)

Hmm. Maybe I need to let 'accuracy' go? Maybe it is not such a helpful value after all?

Deborah HartComment