resistance maybe futile
There is a deliberate conscious effort to welcome Perfectionism and Shame on board.
Tick. Yes that works. Yay, I have a strategy. I am complete and whole and brilliant.
'Hold on tight to that strategy, Deborah. It will make your life better!' says Perfectionism.
'You have to make this work Deborah, you have told everyone on your blog about it and it had better work, because I don't like that wash of shame feeling' whispers Shame.
'Noooo. Wait. I don't like this. This is stupid. What makes you think this will work?' says Resistance.
My deliberate mind know that this will work, but every time I sit down, there is a NO!
When Resistance comes on board I notice an internal hardening, rigidity. A holding tight against that which is not pleasant. Don't go there, Resistance says. You will get hurt.
No, I don't want this performance to start. No, I don't want to do this bullshit 'welcoming perfectionism and shame on board'. No, I don't want to enjoy this.
As I count the bars and beats before a tricky entry I my mind is screaming NOOOO! I don't want to do this, the intensity of the Resistance is growing beat by beat as the moment looms.
NO, do not enter this zone of musical euphoria and losing oneself in the moment.
NO, NO, NO.
I suppose I am going to have to welcome Resistance onto the bus as well.
This list of passengers is growing.