unwilling to be kind to myself

If I am not the judging voice, the analysing and correcting voice, I will never get where I want to be.

I will never be good enough.

I will never be accepted by my desired tribe of professional musicians.

What a waste of time, to be compassionate to myself. I need to get somewhere. I need to be pushed and goal orientated and have a target.

Who even am I if I am not pushing myself, criticising, constantly vigilant for failings and missteps. Who will keep me in line, who will stop me from being a failure?

Kindness will not keep me safe.

And how embarrassing would it be that everyone knew that I was being kind to myself? 

Why do I even have the right? How entitled, vain and arrogant would I look if I was just kind to myself?

Pft!