unwilling to be kind to myself
If I am not the judging voice, the analysing and correcting voice, I will never get where I want to be.
I will never be good enough.
I will never be accepted by my desired tribe of professional musicians.
What a waste of time, to be compassionate to myself. I need to get somewhere. I need to be pushed and goal orientated and have a target.
Who even am I if I am not pushing myself, criticising, constantly vigilant for failings and missteps. Who will keep me in line, who will stop me from being a failure?
Kindness will not keep me safe.
And how embarrassing would it be that everyone knew that I was being kind to myself?
Why do I even have the right? How entitled, vain and arrogant would I look if I was just kind to myself?